Tuesday, 16 April 2013

Flowers For Future Funerals

she wore black and she was beautiful

like a day full of sunshine

but where a cloud was raining

in my ever so stupid head.

I was happy to have past her.

these are my roof top reflections of a nearly man.

my reality? a sandwich in plastic wrapping

and staring at my image in shop windows.

mirrors haunt me, they are everywhere.

I walk the west end for hours searching for that one line

but return home with only dirty finger nails from tube trains.

the flower seller cries for the flowers never sold.

rosebud and redundant thorn discarded to the gutter with fag ends

and a stud that dropped from a rude boys ear.

revolution stirs and I'm calling time on clit tipping and salad hating.

there are far more important things to worry about,

like the masturbation of the masses over orange looking plastic women.

a fuck and a fag?'s been years.

drip, drip, drip, like a tap.

fit to burst.

coiled like a spring.

I can't tell the difference between sunrise or sunset anymore.

but I know I hate daytime tv for it's the graveyard of the damned.

look for a clue in my soiled metaphors.

love binds people who have no road to live on.

sex wets people with no one to love on.

we need a meeting place for the heartbroken where

first kisses are recalled and mourned like a death in the family.

I hung my dreams out with the washing.

supermarket flowers were never you.

I found traces of lipstick on a shirt collar.

a souvenir of a past utopia.

euphoria was replaced by apathy.

memories of the halcyon days that didn't really exist.

time has just made the memory prettier.

melancholia and desolation stretch like an endless desert.

but now I fear only the death of inability to write.

blank pages waiting to be filled but ultimately banished.

poems I haven't written become landfill

and eventually fucked by ants.

but then I see her.

she wore black.

a south bank lovely who carries flowers for future funerals.

mourn the loves that broke you.

get out before slap hits face.

fragile she is, like a butterfly in a tormenting wind.

divine angel you are my sweet shop.

the origins of ice cream.

the lollipop of my immorality.

she walks bare foot and fears not glass nor scars.

it is only life that cuts.

I will capture her bliss on a sepia photograph.

I live in the shadows, painting her in words.

filthy words enslave my dictionary.

everyone likes a beautiful woman.

but very few will ever love one.

trophies get neglected on dusty pedestals.

© T.A.Roberts 2012/2013

Sunday, 6 January 2013

The Un-kissed Hours

I read books for company.

I read books to fill me.

finishing a book is a like a funeral

or the aftermath of great sex.

the un-kissed hours.

a void of the unspoken.

bliss at half price

where desolation reigns


where words are found.

there is nothing more intimate

than silence.

are we flirting

or just talking ?

flirting will be the death of love.

but I am bereft.

a worn out cynic.

solitude is a soul breaker.

solitude is a man maker.

just like vulnerable buttons on a blouse.

we all come undone too easily.

bravado just covers the blushes of

a socially inept fool.

a recluse.

never expecting much

but hoping

all the same.

at times I mourn all these years

not having someone to love

and to love me back.

life seems unfair.

some of us are just born not to be desired

or noticed.

condemned to writing about it.

but I can unearth a muse.

I bet you can't.

I expect you just drown in smiles.

sip the melancholia.

it may become you.

during the

un-kissed hours.

© 2013 © T. A. Roberts 

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Primrose Hill

I am a peace envoy at war with himself.

I went to the school of love but was taught hate.

I like the Theatre but have a foul mouth.

I enter a library to achieve freedom but leave with my hands chained.

I get my kicks from pissing in canals and calling it art.

conversations on stairwells and a lost life.

love only happens to those who don’t fight it when the lights go out.

sepia moments tainted by black and white memories in colour.

avant garde plimsoll wearer and full time lolly licker.

coco chanel.....

memories will do for all of us..

cakes and cunt can taste the same but no summer was ever complete

without a picnic and finger nails sinking into a wet August Primrose Hill.

precious lips and dysfunctional eye lid... details I notice.

simmering glances from a hedonistic temptress.

I sit on the tube and regret my entire life.

ascending escalators and descending dreams.

twisted dreams and blusher stained pillows.

a love that died in clouds of cigarette smoke and my periodic madness.

some people touch your life but very few will consume it.

places I will never see.

flesh I will never touch.

songs I wrote that will never be sung.

roads never trodden and post cards never sent.

those post cards from impossible holidays.

those love letters of the lonely only ever read by the author.

comfort found in solitude.

© 2010 © T. A. Roberts

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Experiments In Sex And Grocery Shopping

she says she painted all night because art helps her remove the lust I placed in her fragile god fearing mind.

my lust left on a bus many years ago and hasn't been seen anywhere near me since.

I need a muse...find me a muse.

hand up thigh in public.. torture for lovers without privacy and no where else to go except public spaces.

I saw a Muslim girl relieve her man in a royal park and the irony of the moment
cracked a smile on my wasted face.

I visit London parks and spend hours sitting looking at tree's, occasional couples, and pieces of litter.

I talk to lamp posts and duck the flies that reject dog shit.

London is my canvas and I walk her to be tormented by her.. the flash of flesh on a decent pair of legs not only inspires but torments.

the measure is equal.

I see a whole life in lost afternoons in this melting pot.

carry my baggage for it is far too heavy for me.

I am not tall enough to see and not broad enough to be a man.

I enter a cafe/wine bar and ask for a table for two knowing that I will be the only one dining.

It is a strange kind of company knowing that you can order for two but remain alone.

I call it ‘the experiment of the never ending line of broken souls who suffer heartbreaking self pity’. 

was going to be a book but the title is a bit of a cunt. 

my next idea for a book is called...

experiments in sex and grocery shopping.

sex won't save me but food will.

I am finding the past tense in future scribbles.

I know it is going to be hard so I may as well start writing it now.

recently I have been starving myself and surviving on only water.

feeling this bad requires one to look bad.

I start a class war every time I leave my flat, every time another ‘broadsheet newspaper’ is pushed in my face.

I would shove it up his arse but where he comes from it would be considered as sex.

criminal bankers and half bald wankers...suburbia is the toilet you do your worst shit in.  

I got stuck in a thought process and not even the traffic in bayswater road could deflect me.

I want to be in this slumber forever.

depression becomes me.

I love the sound of lawns being cut...

something about it brings comfort to me.

I like 99 ice cream cones and the smell of nivea on sun burnt flesh.

cheap holidays and rock that rotted the teeth.

sucking on it just to get at the skewed badly written letters.

the smell of a penny arcade...

all cruel tricks played out during the innocence of childhood. 

she says she painted all night because art helps her remove the lust I placed in her fragile god fearing mind.

all I have left are bad thoughts and the perverted kicks of a tired word junkie.

2010 © T.A.Roberts  ©

Saturday, 3 November 2012


I purchased a book in a shop for cunts and unemployed cats.

It was written by the biographer of cafe life

and the author of love letters for coffee drinkers.

I read it whilst sitting in a greasy spoon just off chapel street market.

burns on arms and good wine on lips.

the lady who served me brings comfort.

she has a London accent and lives for nicotine.

she is perfectly imperfect like the rest of us.

lust has long been replaced by the crumbs of an unloved biscuit.

melancholia has messed with her libido.

she spends most nights dry.

give me a word and I will write you a poem...

give me a stone and I will break you a window...

I saw the end of love in her eyes.

she is my mother and sister.

she is the ballerina of my soap opera.

I threw my cigarette into a bin that cared.

forbidden fruit is overrated and it gets messy.

I still seek reason in the gutters.


the first girl I kissed tasted of spangles...

and this is all I know.

© T.A.Roberts 2012

Wednesday, 18 April 2012


I wrote a love letter in 1983

to my tragic wallflower and sister of the dark side.

I woke up next to you afraid.

a beauty in slow motion.

I was born just behind your eyes.

one day your picture will hang in a gallery for the lesser people to view.

I suffered the streets to reach you.

do you remember the bus stop? I think it was a Sunday.

chalk hearts were melted by rain.

they were just testaments of young love and


I was, and I still am , a melancholy mother-fucker.

I miss the park life of hand holding.

unclaimed jelly tots on a dusty mantelpiece.

I can say I kissed your lips in 1983.

old letters left stupidly in the bedside drawer.

a photograph left behind for the purposes of torture.

her eyes painted dark like the sky.

I met her at a Gary Numan gig.

my hand brushed against her chest outside a chip shop in

the fulham palace road.

and to say it changed my life would be an understatement.

hammersmith odeon was my kind of church.

watching her apply make up was my personal art gallery.

a dark angel with nice boobs.

happiness is easy, darkness was meant.

under the hammersmith flyover...

in another life.

I serenaded you with marshmallows and occasional plastic flowers.

tube platform salvation on rainy days.

catch a 37 bus out of peckham.

love is a stranger.

warped on a walkman.

the pavement cracks somehow reflected our lives.

the sun never quite shone.

our landscape was concrete.

I stole an eyeliner pencil and became me.

eyeliner made my eyes acceptable and warped vinyl records validated

my entire existence.

I got kicked around by skinheads...

who are now sucking off the state.

I was never ordinary.

who wants to be fucking ordinary ?

trodden on bubble gum.

dancing with damned.

rubik cube confusion and Our Price Records

am I in love?.....

love at first sight?....

phone me a cliche.

I want to go home

to coffee stains.

I started writing this on a fag packet, in a pub, and called it

a love letter.

a love letter to 1983.

she stuck it on her fridge

with an abbey road magnet.

it's more than I could have

hoped for.

one day I will write a line

that will crush you.

you with a

face like flowers.

texture like candles.

taste like spangles.

© Written and owned by © T.A.Roberts 2012

Monday, 5 March 2012

Dead Flower Pointlessness

I write with limited expressions and long forgotten honesty,

all shaken in a cocktail of innuendo

and dead flower pointlessness.

it lingered and tortured my thought process.

the scent of a passing stranger on a tube station platform.

she smells somewhere between heaven and a better place.

traces of a past that I am not quite sure really happened.

a face crafted by an artist who cared.

she drenches angels with self doubt.

why don't I know you?..

maybe your hand slipped from mine whilst I wasn't looking.

I started writing to find you.

I wrote some lyrics.

It will be our song that will never be sung...

....tragic but poetic.

a vase full of dead roses that never loved me.

are you the last of the unblemished roses?

and is it nice being adored?

well, at least falling apart has soul.

each night I drip in insomnia.

In my cracked sleep I dream of you. It's a charitable psychosis.

there are kisses that will never find the lips for which they were intended.

the brutal emptiness of a one night stand, not desired.

I fell in love with you and hated the world for it.

but I don't know you...

and never will.

she dances through my life...but she doesn't know it.

she sang for me once and it broke me.

her pale flesh a canvas for a fucked up artist.

painted finger nails waiting to scratch the life from this life.

perfection is over rated

like tea with sugar and nicotine.

I would drink from you if you allowed me.

I would worship at the church of your dirty laundry.


never shout.

love is loud enough as it is.

the scent of a passing stranger.

misguided lust from an innocent pen.

I write with limited expressions and long forgotten honesty,

all shaken in a cocktail of innuendo

and dead flower pointlessness.

© Owned by Boris Danski Written by Tim Roberts March 2012 ©

Sunday, 14 August 2011


they found her singing songs on pavements stained by

discarded bubble gum.

caustic lyrics that hit their target.

dirty words will clean us.

in life and death the sick hunt the hunted.

narrow eyes see nothing....

limited people with nothing in their lives

but fucking objects.

you were the staples that bound our book.....

loud music from open windows on a barmy

London summer evening.

desperately sought after kisses.

rain on windows...never ending.

melancholy pen across depressed paper.

summer washed in

the gutter.

some friends in a car

that ended up hitting a wall

in suburbia.

they all died.

the wheels were

still spinning,

upside down,

and ‘God Only Knows’

was playing

on repeat.

the irony

did wet my appetite to

write dark soul

poetry again.

cunt me

cunt you

cunt everybody.

the clocks tick

but the hands

never move.

I am not in love anymore

well I never have been.

marlboro lights and coffee act

as a diet that soothes me.

I call it the limited means

of a supermarket junkie

I am tired and approaching


the romance of

the streets

moves me no more.

the bare foot waif like women

don’t tempt me to spill.

fetish all


litter blows.

litter cries.

one day

I will find out

what it is

I am trying to say

and will write

a poem

about it.

and you will hate me

even more.

and I will love that.

© Owned by T A Roberts © Boris Danski August 2011

Saturday, 26 February 2011


devastating like eyes, like a painting, like 9/11,

like melted chocolate spread over female flesh

like the page you always wanted to turn in

my book of brilliant things;

let us reserve that seedy hotel room and make it stink.   
coke on your clit became a source of addiction

but it was far more educational than day time TV.  
words spill from me like pre cum on an unknowing tongue.

drugs and addictions.

I am dirty, that is why you come to me.

purchase my filth and watch it grow on your mantelpiece.
I will write a fully deluded, self elected, semi masterpiece via

your cunt.

I want that smell of sex just under my nose.

If you could bottle that scent the men of Paris

would make the creator

a millionaire over night.

melt like chocolate.
my mind is working overtime at the moment and

it's fragile like eggshell,

like playgrounds full of boys,

like sandcastles,

like space invaders

and parties full of good looking people.

fragile like the child on the priests knee;

take the hand of an adult,

motherfucking God lover,

and try to abuse me you bastard.
I put up with your strange little’ fuck me’ noises and

shit perfume

oral sex passed your father by in exchange for a night at the Opera

a lady wears Chanel and a man has a dick.

how do you explain me to your comfortable parents

who live in their comfortable house

in comfortable avenue

over comfortable dinner and easy smiles in middle class suburbia?

‘he stubs cigarettes out on his flesh so as to relieve the pain;

a pain so much deeper

than burning flesh’.
self harm has me, and dysmorphic eyes guide me through stinking alley ways

and Art galleries of silence and chin scratching wankers;

excuse me mate, but that is a picture of a hamburger in black and white;

if that is art then I give up.
I am a falling man so soothe me.
I found seat in the Kilburn Tricycle and was taken for a couple of hours;

cinema can be quite a life saver;

a French accent can inspire the same feelings as when

the perv teacher stuck his hand on my private place during extra maths

(terrified excitement).

the ladies who gather in the bar after are the kind who smoke with the aid of

an extended holder and the men cross their legs in a knowing fashion

and speak of the sub text.
blow through me and torment me with that look;

unattainable you who makes me want to write;

impossible you, with a face made of china dolls;

slide into me and don’t leave;

I need the pain to exist,

to write,

to lust,

to wank,

to cum.

that 30min chat I had with you, in the pub,

made me feel like someone

and I want to feel that feeling

more than occasionally
I am dark

but not like nights

but like nights that are light.

I am dark like chocolate,

like Christmas Eve,

like ghost trains at funfairs,

like the bottom of the bottle I just finished

like all the men who look like men.    
fucked up kisses and blush worthy bullshit is what I bring to the table

and oh how they judge me once they see my scars.

chip away to my insides and you will not find diamonds

but you will discover colours

you never knew existed;
mirrors are like pain,

like torture,

like hell,

like a stab from a knife,

like you

like everyone I pass.

devastating like eyes,

like a painting,

like 9/11,

like the page you always wanted to turn in

my book of brilliant things.

I am a falling man so soothe me.
© Boris Danski  (Written and owned by © T A Roberts 2010)

Thursday, 10 February 2011

Photographs Will Find Her...

a bright young thing with the look of an artist

an indie rock queen folded with the elegance

of a homely daughter

the verve of youth touched with the sexiness

of womanhood

colour in the black and white

something in that face ticks my tock

but I am just an old man

who muses the untouchable

the out of reach

my kicks are obtained from knowing

the likes of her exist amongst the

dull and grey

dancing with the rain and gutter trash

to pale them into insignificance

photographs will find her


beauty is limited

her face has so much more

stories hidden behind mascara eyes

parting lips that whisper but only I can hear

her face

a face made to drench

angels in self doubt

I sat on a cold bench soaking in the rain

suffering the effects of too much drink

when I started to write this in my head

tiny pulses are felt if you 

seek them out

some lucky bastard watches her apply make up

first thing in the morning

brush strokes of an artist

she is the river I ran dry

the beautiful but tainted youth

tainted by the media and mr and mrs righteous cunt who read

the daily mail.

men froth at the thought of her on the tube

every morning

but consider suicide when they realize they never

ever possessed

the cool milk shake look

of the camden eyeliner princess

there is a place to sit and imagine what this beautiful ugly town can do for you

failing that just get lost in love making

photographs will find her

she glides through the market

all dark glasses, glam rock chic, and mosh pit stalker

I can imagine her dancing in the

electric ballroom

in the 1980's

feel the lust in an unspoken moment

find solace in public Libraries and coffee stained cafe's 

bright young thing

with the look of an artist

photographs must find her

and I hope they will

Written and © owned  by T Andrew Roberts 2010 © Boris Danski

Saturday, 29 January 2011

Poets Of The Dirty Bed Sheets

One of these days I am going to write the tell you from my cuff what really goes on up here in this corrupt head of mine.To spill it out on paper what makes me tick...

I have shifted my rage and dysfunctional self and invented a new me who is even more fucked up and fresh, like dogs shit steaming on the sidewalk. 

I trade in honesty; I don’t write to make you wet.

I will express in my limited terms what it is you do to me everyday and night, waking or sleeping. It’s bad in a good way. I will tell you what it is when I find it even with my base words.

I will shock you and you will hate and love it in equal measure.

In private you will make it your anthem but in public you will condemn me, but that is just encouraging me.

I am wallpapering my room...filling in the cracks.

You want me to paint your toe nails and read to you.

One of these days I am going to walk the walk that I talk.

I wander around this alien Town and see no one who can hold a candle to you; the stinking bodies that dodge mine on the Tube are empty souls just looking for the next pound...

Us... we live because we are poets of the dirty bed sheets and the readers of the truth.

I saw the end of love in your eyes...oh those eyes so dark.

We love fucking but can make do with a coffee and cigarette and people watching.

I don’t need drugs and drink to lift me; I need the smell of you, the taste of you. You rain without clouds on me and it’s my fucking heaven.

Us the fallen angels; your face has worn me and your mouth has drank me; scratches on my back and dick friction; the horny tiredness. The smell of soap on a feminine neck, the spooning , slipping and spilling; pulling hair and whispering sweet filth but ending it with a.....

....... ‘I love you’

One of these days I am going to write our manifesto. It will include long weekends of not leaving the bedroom; filling the fridge with junk food and bad wine and just living in our own fluids; not for the faint hearted but hey that’s me.... a rollercoaster ride with a smile and eyes you will never trust.

I didn’t nearly kill myself for nothing; it was to live and come out the other side to know what life really is all about. Yes it’s to pay the bills, go to work, but it’s to corrupt you in the nicest way possible.

I will know every inch of your flesh so well I will map the spots to tease; glorious torture and no questions asked; teach you the advantages of silence whilst loving the screams of a g spot moment.

Am I bugging you? Good because I mean to. We are all the same but the girls hide behind the me a girl who doesn’t please herself and I will show you an innocent bank manager or a priest who doesn’t try to fuck children.

One of these days we will do all of the things that life promised but that we failed to achieve. The simple things like etch our names on to tree bark, sex outside, a picnic, get drunk and cakes and not feel guilty. Tell the boss to fuck off and piss in his desk.

But most of all we will create coffee stains on a virgin table and die and say...I don’t need to climb a mountain to feel elation........

...............who needs it when I have got you?

Danski 2008 (written and owned by T A Roberts, London)

Monday, 11 October 2010


I sit down by the canal lock

and write love letters.

not to anyone in particular.

I throw them to the wind you see.  
every 3rd Wednesday

I buy 3 roses and give them to

3 strangers

each time.  
I was going to write a verse

for a valentine’s card

but decided to blow my

brains out


empty gestures don't fill my balls. 
today I saw the


who has inspired

every drop of ink

that has left my pen.

each and every word

I have written for

year upon year.

I saw her in Camden Market.  
vintage dress and ‘make up’ serene

like a screen queen or

a 1950’s prom queen awaiting men to do

men things.  

she will break many a man though.

I can tell just by the way she lights her

cigarette and takes her first drag.


no 'fuck me shoes' ever found their way on to her feet.

I found her

lost in rainbows under a


london sky.
hope I still love you the next time it


I hear it’s romantic. 
I had never met her

or set eyes on her

before today.  
I just knew she

© Danski  2010 © (copyright owned by the author T A Roberts)

Friday, 1 October 2010

Untitled 2

she is my sister of the dark room,

the candy floss girl with toffee apple dreams

and an arse I would worship.

pierce me with a scream and I will write you a song with no verse.

it will be an urban bittersweet story with a twist of cunt envy.

coco chanel upon flesh so tortured.

the art house whore, that I am, can picture the tears falling

on a black and white face where the only words spoken are

oui oui oui.    
he the perfect failiure and dead flower blooming.

fucked a hundred girls but only made love to one.

broken soul trying to find his way home.

redundant romantic with unused one liners

common as muck and a London accent.

loved the love but hated the mess.

cut the grass but killed  the roses.

took a smile and made it a frown.

built a circus but sacked all the clowns.
cheap thrills and Dream Topping, the horror of

high street shopping.

hallucinations brought on by the pills

I had been dropping.

brown sauce on bacon, it

liberates one's senses.     
I saw another version of me in my local supermarket

oh and she was so beautiful.

she studied her shopping list and I studied the possibility of

mediocre me

with her.

no one owns me and I follow nothing

and that is why they make up stories about me.

look into my eyes and you know

I will fuck you.

but only because

I am

let me write stories and poems about your


and how good they look in those shoes.

let me serenade you with my bravado and

cocktails of filth ridden words.

the contents of your handbag and glint in your eyes gives hope to

the lonely.

you are not fit for plastic table cafe and the secrets told by

coffee stains.

I know because you wear lady gloves and glide.
us tragic romantics are exactly that


and we see everything but deal only

in crumbs.

lost souls with coffee stained teeth.

I am consumed by the dreams of a 16 year old but I am now


all hope left on the train to cuntville.    
Boris Danski will rise again and walk by London Bridge.

close the curtains and block out the light for I need to withdraw.    
you made my typing finger bleed

and created a space in my head to accept beauty again.    
one of these days you will stick your arse in my face

and I will write 2000 words in tribute to it and they alone will only

create one stanza.    
I could have come to see you but maybe it was your

god who stopped me.

you liken me to the scent of a pretty flower picked from a

dirty swamp.

rough cut diamond and rose of the underclass.

splinters from dead trees..... but park benches offer me moments of

bliss and solitude.    
dirty rain on summer London streets.

it falls on me but I am beyond dirty.

tainted pavements always near violence and never close to love.

holding hands was my favorite game.     
I find dark eroticism in the ladder and hole in her stockings....

her on the tube train at 7.45am

it is morning but she has time to have been torn.

torn like all of us.

I am amazed by nothing much but can see the possibility

of a whole book

ultimately inspired by the damaged material

covering a female leg.     
Boris Danski 2010 ©   Written and Owned by © T A Roberts

I Tried So Hard

I tried so hard to write the letter I had always wanted to write but when I sit there, with pen in hand, I dry up. Fuck me; do you think I think this stuff out? Of course not, I write like I fuck. I go round the houses and eventually hit all the right buttons and then you are mine. How deluded am I?

I tried so hard to keep my concentration but the fag ash kept falling on my lap. I sat outside my favorite cafe in Soho, just off Old Compton Street enough not to be a gay place. Why such a deluded old fucker like me sees the romance in a coffee stain on an old table lord only knows. But I run my finger round it and lick it and somehow I taste her and the words come.  

I tried so hard to get away from the being me and slowly I am getting there. Have you noticed I am not such a self harm bore anymore? Rehab was 10 years ago but the marks on my arms are like they were put there yesterday and they remind me of dark corners and unspoken sins. They remind me of a 1000 wanks over her, and sticky magazines; of a bad night when I wet the bed; of the night I took too many pills and lost 4 days; of the day they took me in; of the day I looked in the mirror and saw a freak.

 Damn it, there would be no need to be lonely if I could bite the pillow and think of England. But hey I love the silky taste of a female and I am thirsty for it like a man lost in a desert without water, armed only with an iPod stuck on the same old tune. That’s me, playing the same old tune; waiting at desolate bus stops but the bus ain't coming.

I tried so hard to stop Loving my Town but how can I when presented with such smells and sights and the endless possibility that I really will bump into you on the Jubilee Line interchange? The park bench above in Green Park; all the words I have written for this shit hole; my playground and ultimate lover; the only thing that keeps me sane is this old Town.I slip into the art house cinema’s and lose myself in sub titles, alone with gas less coke and dreams of a boy that I no longer am. I cling to the characters of World Cinema, for they give me hope; it’s only on exiting the cinema that I realize that I am surrounded by people I no longer know; my London taken by aliens, strangers and those who only care for the size of their fucking pay cheque.

I tried so hard to stop being a fucking deluded talentless writer just to impress you; I tried so hard to be a fucking whore in the bedroom just to save you from the thuggish drinkers of the poor club scene and fuck me shoe ladies. I tried too hard and why should I give a fuck about anything? I walked into the perfume store and asked the badly painted lady to spray your scent onto a piece of card; I inhaled it and for a second I was back with you oh and it crushed me; oh it fucked me up; how cruel the memory is..

I tried so hard to stop crying, but my eyes welled at the serenity of you. If skin was heaven then you wear god. If I could worship you it would never be enough. You have always been my alter and the church I dreamt of building; one day the Moon will give up, it will see the fruitlessness in sharing a world with you; the sun will go out and cry ash; he will say, ‘I never knew she was here and my heat so wasted’.

I tried so hard to see you. I could see the back of your head in a crowded high street where I was stuck behind a 1000 people with their boring shopping bags, and they would not let me pass. You turned a corner and were gone. Was it you or had I just smelt the scent of your sweet perfume and my sad lonely mind just made her into you? Sadly the latter will be the truth for you died ten years ago and I sit here with a coffee stain being admired by gay men and writing my words; one of the guys said, ” You look like a thug but carry a pen that bleeds the ink of heartbreak...”

I tried so hard to put you to sleep once and for all, to end the memories of our ferocious fucking and colour by number loving; oh babe I can get the words out and they define me and cover me in shit, but they make me smell of flowers. I died in your eyes more than once and even saw a reflection of a better me; I saw my eyes and they were not so bad; I loved then and was someone; was part of something; the staples in my book...

I tried so hard to get the real me to show up but this clown kept appearing and he had a black tear falling from one eye and he was me as a boy; how I cry for him, for the me that once molded faces from potatoes and dreamed of fairies; who thought that Dorothy was real and that tornado's would take us all to a better place; who thought that I would one day touch the hand of a woman who loves me; but I lost her in the haze of cigarette smoke and excuses; in the grotesque mind that was taken by demons; too many spliffs, too many late nights...

I tried so hard to be the magician who could put a smile on your face by producing flowers from a hat but you are more beautiful than any flower and what moves me to tears may just bore you.I tried so hard to be a man just for one day but still ended up being this ugly cunt that people laugh at and no one wants; fuck them, I can use the words moon and cunt in one piece so its them who are lacking...

I tried so hard to write a symphony in words for you but this was the best I could do; you are worth a symphony dare I give you this?

Written and © Owned by © T A Roberts 2007